about love

it has been a while since the last time that i have written in public. throwing your thoughts out loud in public is difficult, especially if you have so many things on your mind to say or share, not finding the right way yet to express them and at the same time making yourself vulnerable to friends and enemies, since exposing thoughts and feelings can be used against you later. but thoughts are merely reflections of the inner mind, like mine that don’t have any significance in anybody's life, except for the ones who really and truly care : my close ones and of course, myself.

it will be my last post on this korea blog, i am saying farewell to my being-far-away-from-everybody-in-korea. this episode has come to an end, this period of my life where i choose to be on myself and on my own, which doens't mean necessarily that i felt that alone or lonesome, but still it was a period in my life that i was most of the times just on my own. because i needed that space and time. even though being surrounded by a bunch of jolly students, teachers and koreans, my friends in a world capital called seoul, i was on my own, since i closed myself down to get back to the core of myself and to reflect, and partly also to flee away from what i could't understand nor accept : the fact that i got disappointed in love and people the past few years, as well realizing myself waking up from some kind of dream world or illusion, created by myself in the positivity and naivety that i kind of possessed since childhood. because i was brought up in a loving and warm family and because i loved my partner, family, people and life in general. there were ups and downs in life like in anybody else’s, as for the rest life was beautiful and satisfying for me in general. i don’t think i ever wanted anything more than the happiness of my family and closest friends, especially my partner. and last but not least : i also just wanted to do my best being myself as the person that i am.

it is strange, to realize how you have grown up, just in a few years under changing environment, shifting circumstances and by being confronted with different situations in life, different people, other continents, … so many other opinions and life styles against which you can reflect yourself, to reevaluate your own values, truths and moreover your way of thinking about life… it’s personal growth… i have never been very open to change my 'point of view' if it’s concerned about ‘life’, since a ‘point of view’ is not something you just take over from someone else, nor is it symbolizing the overall truth; your point of view expresses what values you stand for, expresses the core of who you are. some may call me stubborn, but i rather call it some kind of 'idealism' or 'romanticism' or 'naivety'...or even ‘stupidity’, depending on how you see it. but still that kind of thinking kept me going on all those years, it was the inner source for my positivity as well the force that kept me concurring all kinds of difficulties in life, facing loss and death, to separation and despair. people don't have to follow my mind of thinking, but it does keep you hopeful and strong. sometimes it's hard to explain the way you are, especially if you have the feeling that not many people share that same kind of spirit or mind set. luckily it's just 'not many people' instead of 'none', for which i am grateful to have known them, still know them and hope to get to know them. for those were the ones who backed me up, still backing me up in times like these when i felt and feel kind of 'homeless' without direction after separation.

- in the meantime i treated myself 4 delicious 'werther's original caramelts' and a nice cup of warm green tea :-) - i am sitting in my brother's room, while mum is sleeping in the next room. i always feel at peace when coming back to this house. this cozy little house that we bought almost 2 years ago, and that i renovated with my own bare hands somewhere between the korean episodes... there are not many things of which i find myself saying to be proud of, since my mother taught me that modesty is the best way to goodness, salvation, and a little bit blabla…, as well she taught me to be good without any expectations of getting it back... that being altruist is a good cause of life... but still, the only thing i wanted to accomplish by renovating mum's house, is mum's happiness and peace. for never ever being hunted out of her own ‘home’ again. honestly, i never thought i was able to do that kind of work, during a time of crises in my own personal life at same time. but in fact working in the house, finally made me forget about the things i wanted to avoid as well made my mind clear about things i already knew but that i refused to admit. i can only say one thing about that period in the dust : it was love that brought me that far in the first place, because my mum deserved the best and coziest house ever - of course that's just a subjective interpretation - a house filled with the positivity of love. like all those years she has been the best mother that she could be, for my sister and brother, me … and for all those who consider her as surrogate mother.

some don't know or can’t even imagine, how hard it has been and sometimes still is, to be a single parent family, once you lose your partner on whom you've always relied financially as well as emotionally, that a large mental gap of emptiness and despair is facing you – not even talking about the practical loneliness in the rest of your daily life. but again, it was her love for us as her children that made her strong, made her making the most right decisions there was to be made, and made her doing the best she could, so us, being her children wouldn't have a hard life without a father.
nobody can even imagine, how hard is has been on her, when narrow-minded people looked down on her once she lost her husband to death after illness. knowing that in the so called hypocrite chinese community of which we are all part of, there are men amongst her generation and sadly enough women as well, who look down on women and consider them as ‘no status’ once you don't have a husband. by death or even by divorce, the latter which is even considered as some ‘crime’ by few of her generation… but even if you will remarry, you will still have ‘no status’, since you are supposed to be 'loyal' to your former husband. but of course, this bias only counts for 'women' as – the matter of course - there are different rules for men, unwritten by a male society and generally more accepted with or without the grins and common male shoulder pats. and i am still not a feminist if that's what most people think of me. i am still one of those who is too stubborn to understand it, since there is no thinkable defendable logical reason behind that thought… pardon me for my frank female typical overemotional behavior !

i have never understood why people judge people who have never done anything wrong, when fate and luck were just not on their side. my mum is one of the most decent people i know – and will ever know - walking around on this earth, knowing that she still listens to her own parents' words without even 'talking back', and she is a fine lady who just beautifully passed her 60's a few days ago. as i also know her stories from her childhood, which were – how do i put this without being insulting – quite charming but 'boring', since she never played any prank or never disobeyed, as well was she known of never ever being spanked by her grandparents nor her parents, since she was the most obedient and passive child ever - at least in her home town called ‘kok po’. of course when i don’t idealize her in our everyday life, like every human being, she has her flaws and frustrations, her small bits of being unreasonable - at least that's how i saw it when i was in full puberty so maybe it was me being rebellious - but they vanish with the years as my mum has grown herself as well resulting in the whole beautiful person as she is. she makes me want to become at least half the person she is. without her, i would not have been here, nor would i have gone through these past few years in one piece and writing you all this. so it is love again that is the force behind life. my mother’s love to continue life, my life.

and to get back to the cozy house that i am living in right now... this house was of course not only made by myself and my bare hands, that would just be too much credit on my behalf... this house was also the result of all those hands that came helping us around, when i didn't expect it nor even asked for it, since i was and i am still too stubborn to ask for help – living in my own illusion wanting to be a 'super' daughter, wife, sister, friend... though i already gave up the possibility to fly ;-)) - or my stubbornness to be a perfectionist in all the things i do, since my mother taught me always to ‘do your best in whatever you do’, which i apparently adopted a little bit too literally since i was a child. so instead of me being chased by my parents to get 'behind' my books for studying when young, i was rather chased to get rid of my books, since i got too nerdy and nuts doing nothing but … studying… result of a child’s interpretation on the words ‘obligation to your parents to study well’. those words were pure logic in my mind. so there you have it ;-p i resemble my mum who was an obedient maybe boring child who took everything too seriously, haha. so here i admit it : i am a study nerd, perfectionist, control freak and so on… i don’t even know what more to say, but allow me just to be proud of it ?
more important than all that, i am a person who's loving and caring. like my mum. and like my friends whose helping hands have lifted up my weight last year, building this nest for my mother, a place that will always remember me of the pureness of friendship that was the source behind the spirit of this house. so... this friendship, is called love again, but in a different and more universal way. it's the genuine love and altruism that people share for one another, without expecting something back except for the mere happiness of the person who’s the receiver. and maybe it’s the remembrance of this spirit that always gives me peace and comfort when i need it the most, and that’s providing my mum her force to still be the best mum she can be in this cozy tiny house.

being away from the ones you love, has been one of the hardest things in my life. thinking back about it, it still hurts, but i have decided to gradually leave that feeling behind, since i decided to come back to my roots from where i have grown into the person that i have become and am right now at this very moment. fortunately not only back to my roots but also in the small episode while away, while i thought i lost love forever, i found true love through other people back again; by meeting people who meant and still mean a great deal for me : two people who fell in love by fate and in full trust of each other, and who till spread the words of love through the persons as they are, the songs they write and sing together :-). and moreover, by just being with them and watching them together, working as a team through ups and downs, feeling their mutual love, made me feel like i used to feel : happy in believing that this kind of love does exist and is not surreal. it just depends on the kind of people who are ‘loving’. love between partners is unconditionally – even though it is a cliché that reinvents itself every time all over again - except for this one condition : the giving is true, honest and selfishless, and the receiving is open and in full trust without fear : a balance. and in that sense, friendship can be unconditional too : that there is no expectations in return except for the other's happiness and the intention of goodness being the source of it.

all that might sound very naïve again, very idealistic, whilst i proclaim that i have grown and learned from different experiences with all kinds of people the past few years. even then i think it's still not naive to believe that it's possible to be like that. and it all starts within your own world, in your own self, spreading it to the ones that are most valuable to you and sometimes it spreads unconditionally altruistically to a stranger on your way that you might never meet again. this is the core of goodness in people, guided by a universal thing called love. whether it's love for your partner, or friends, or people in general.. there are - that's what i believe - people who must be in the same kind of mind set. otherwise i would not know, whether it's worth to be on this little planet any longer, to procreate and put children on earth, cause i don't believe that this world - that sometimes seems to get more and more wasted by individualism, selfishness, greediness or all that can be put under the ‘seven sins’ -.i can’t believe that this world is ruled by people who don’t share goodness for one another. in believe that good and bad will be in balance for sure, but the good will prevail just a bit more since the bad will only destroy while the good allows to grow. but everybody can see it in their own way. and the surroundings will judge, and fate will judge, or even god under what name ever he or she might exist - god might be a woman, you never know ;-p

i started out writing this entry, because i was sad about a lot of things that i have heard lately, as well about a lot of things that has passed. i was sad because of the losses made, that i was not stronger than i hoped for. but maybe, you can get only stronger by falling and getting up again, and by learning from experience in life whether they're from yourself or others. i was angry at people who pretended to be someone they were not. as well i got angry at myself, that i have lived in an illusion because i have always tried my best to be the best i could. i was angry not defending the ones that should be defended, instead i bended over to people that were not worth it, even though the intentions were good. it’s like spoiling your own child by being good without limits. but even that doesn't make you invulnerable to people who don't spare anyone when they are badmouthing without mercy. some people lack on self introspection. it is sad, but it is true. it is the reality of people who don’t look at themselves first, before judging others. it is the reality of people who can’t put themselves in the place of the other, by lack of empathy. i don’t claim that i do better… but i know and i do claim that i do my best to introspect. because this is my growth.

so now... i let it be. i let it go. i don’t have much spare energy left for nonsense. i still care about what touches me, cause that's the way i am, but i will be braver from now on as for the judgments of others. between the mass of rubbish that is thrown at you, you have to filter the recyclables that can become useful to you. but some things that appear as presents, while in fact deceptive and useless as they are, i will just put them away as trash.
because i know who i am. and where i come from. as well i know who is surrounding me. and where i am heading to. i don’t want to be afraid any more to stand in my shoes as the person that i am. nor do i want to explain any longer about how and who i am. since i have just been the same as always. and some know me and some don’t. that’s it.

even though i got disappointed, hurt and disillusioned in recent past, i never gave up on the concept of love, in whatever sense. once you have really loved someone and have been loved, i don't believe that it stops. it procreates or changes its meaning. through experience i became less naive, trusting my intuition better, which i should have done way earlier, but still...through growth i became better in seeing through true intentions as well as accepting some people as they are. it’s a learning process.

i believe that the universe is always in balance. as well as your own personal life balance. the more happier you are, the more you can feel the same amount of despair as well. if you live a moderate happy life, your unhappiness will be more or less the same amount. if you sum it all up, in the end it’s all in balance. and all is fair, though some things might seem unfair at first sight.
i have been through tremendous happiness in my life, as well as despair, but still in my opinion life is getting better, fuller and richer within time. even though it’s in balance, my personal view on it is more to the positive side without claiming to be the perfect optimist. there are always more worst case scenarios to fear as well better dream visions to pursue. but i am satisfied with what’s present after a right amount of mourning about some losses in the past. you learn from it. to detach from what’s sad.
i have experienced despair in the first period of my life - even though i have never consciously considered it like that, just in the aftermath. i lived the most wonderful years i had with my former husband, family and friends. those times are still precious to me and the present and future won’t change those thoughts. those are the times i will cherish at a safe place. like the times when my mother talks about my dad, the same daily stories over and over again : their life and love stories.

i lost my dad more than ten years ago. devastating. i separated from my husband last year. even more devastating. but instead from that same person i gained my best friend again, since i have known and loved him for so long. and out of the blue i found true love again in a friend who's been unconditionally next to me all the time when that latter happened. there are not many but just a few who understand the true meaning of all this. but the fact is that there’s not so much to understand or explain about it when you share the same mind set together.

so it is time for a change. it’s time for a new start in life. a new chance and opportunity to grow.

it’s still the same core, with people shifting in the surroundings, but it remains my own precious life :-)